Last night I had a dream about my grandmother. She died when I was very young – around 4 – but nonetheless has had a big impact on my life. In my dream, a big black orb came up from the woods behind my childhood home and was after me. She ushered me indoors and said, “You run, you climb out the window. I’ve got this.”
I climbed out the window, and I saw our family dog Ears. Ears died in December, and I was there when we had to put him down after he was carelessly shot by hunters. He spoke to me as well, which I am sure sounds silly to some because well – he’s a dog, but he told me to follow him into the woods where he knew of somewhere safe.
He led me to the back of the woods and left me there with some kind of beings that he described as forest spirits. They said they needed me to be present so they could fix the machine that makes things work. And I did nothing, just sat and watched while they worked and repaired this broken down machine with a rose tinted light that they bore, and then I woke up.
This dream follows a period of anxiety which has been ushered in by many, many things: the joint problem which I addressed in my last blog post, and some other issues which I do not feel open enough to share but have worn me down quickly. I turn to my mom, my sister, my partner, my midwives, books, the Internet, and anything really, looking for a way to chip away at the anxiety but it doesn’t move.
I think about this dream, and how I was led further and further to a safer place by a person loved that has long passed, by a dog that cannot speak and was taken from us months ago, and by spirits which I cannot see and that some would even scoff at the mere idea or mention of.
I think about the things that carried me to safety, and how I just immediately trusted them even though these are things that are unknown in this world. I realize that my anxiety about being a new mother and a provider is built around this giant fear of the unknown – but what would the end result be if I just trusted it? Would I be carried to peace, to a place where what isn’t working can be repaired?
A few days ago I had messaged one of my dearest and wisest friends Lauren, about the topic of anxiety during pregnancy, and she quoted something she had previously read in a pregnancy book that touched on this issue:
This is the perfect opportunity to touch your own deep emotional truths, to acknowledge and resolve inner disharmonies, and to recreate your life as you create another life. The emotional changes experienced during pregnancy are not to be avoided, but valued; they are cathartic and valid. – Susun Weed, Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year
I have been fighting the anxiety instead of trying to understand it. I hadn’t yet fully embraced the metamorphosis of becoming a mother, and so it became uncomfortable. Another lesson learned. To imbue the future with a sense of joy instead of fear; this is my challenge. And when I understand how to do that, maybe then I will be the matriarch who won’t even have to tell her daughter or granddaughter , “You run, you climb out the window. I’ve got this”. I won’t have to tell her to run because she will already know how to handle uncertainty, because she was raised to trust in the future.
A long way to go, but we’ll get there one day my baby. This I promise you.